im going to try something new.
normally i don’t share things until they are crisp and i’m happy with them. here is something raw and unfinished. i hope to edit it over time and make it more better.
We used to wait anxiously, unable to sleep from excitement of the morning. I vividly remember a pounding in my chest and looking out the window, not in expectation. Not exactly. I was already jaded enough by then but there was a whisper of hope that Id be wrong. That I’d be surprised. Now it’s our anxiety that keeps us up nights and maybe too much certainty.
Thinking, Silently, about the year in its last death throes and wondering if we did enough, and where our life is. And if we aren’t TOO jaded, maybe hoping a little for Tomorrow. Hoping things will break differently soon.
I think about her. I’m sorry, I tried not to. Los Angeles has had long enough to chew on her for a while before dropping her but she seems unphased. I still don’t know if that’s admirable or not. I feel turned around.
I’m a drug seeking patient in a clinic, needing to escape the harsh loneliness and not caring about the side effects. I haven’t looked past the potential she offers. I don’t know much about her at all. I think I’d like to know more, but mostly I project my hopes onto her, thinking if I could get another fix the pain might go away.
I banish her back down. For the moment…
My family is just in the other room, but it’s this dog on the couch next to me, sleeping restlessly and whining when I stop petting him.
Believe me buddy, I know.
Maybe next year will break differently. Maybe when I look back it will be brighter.
For a moment I hear something shift outside and I can’t help myself. Years of conditioning make me look up and just for a second I expect sleigh bells. A whisper of hope.
But what I want doesn’t fit under a tree.
I think of her again. Ever since we spoke I don’t know what I feel. Hope. For either anesthetic or a kindred spirit. I’d take either but expect nothing. Maybe this time I’ll be surprised. I’ll wait alone or lonely until then with this dedication to you in my heart.
To those who are lonely, even if they’re not alone