I feel like I must understand now, part of what it is like to be a father.There is this thing (heshebutinthiscaselove) which is so young and fledgling and perfect.
When near it, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of happiness and hope.Hope that maybe I was wrong and maybe life wasn’t quite as terrible as I thought

But I feel like there are threats and dangers too numerous to count, all edging their way closer. It seems maddening.  All I want is for this heshebutinthiscaselove to flourish, but I don’t know how.  I can only slap at threats, navigate shoals and pray to a god I don’t believe in for a minor miracle I might never need.

with highs so high and lows so low and a world so thrashing, I understand why my father drank.

I’ll go back to the bar and hold tight to heshebutinthiscaselove.  But hopefully not so tight it breaks.