So here’s the thing. I know a lot of people legitimately think they’re going to get raptured this weekend and leave behind all the sinners, wicked people, unbelievers and heathens.

Well, there’s also probably a lot of people who aren’t sure whether or not they’re going to be raptured this weekend. Those are the people I’m mostly talking to right now. Here’s the thing… Jesus was all about giving. Here’s a couple quotes.

From Duder-onomy:
“In case some one of your brothers becomes poor among you in one of your cities, in your land that Jehovah your God is giving you, you must not harden your heart or be closefisted toward your poor brother. For you should generously open your hand to him and by all means lend him on pledge as much as he needs, which he is in want of… You should by all means give to him, and your heart should not be stingy in your giving to him, because on this account Jehovah your God will bless you in every deed of yours and in every undertaking of yours. For someone poor will never cease to be in the midst of the land. That is why I am commanding you, saying, ‘You should generously open up your hand to your afflicted and poor brother in your land.”

Do not take advantage of a hired man who is poor and needy, whether he is a brother Israelite or an alien living in one of your towns

If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother. There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.

And from Psalms:
He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, his righteousness endures forever; his horn [a] will be lifted high in honor.

So here’s the thing guys. YOU aren’t sure whether or not you’re making it into heaven. I’M not sure where my next car payment is coming from. So lets work something out in the middle here. After all: “you can’t take it with you” (That was a play by Kaufmann and Hart… not Jesus). And it’s not like you’re giving me money for wicked deeds… you’re giving me money to spend on necessities. Like chainmail armor for the zombie apocalypse that will no doubt come in the wake of your rapture. Or a water purifier. Condoms. Alcohol. A shotgun for hunting birds for my other pet project at ikillit.com. My Car. My family. A pony. Whatever!

The point is I could use the cash, and you’re about to not need it. You still have like 3 days to get your cash in to me. So here’s what I’d like you to do:

Shotgun ammo is expensive

This is me financially unprepared for an apocalypse

Follow the paypal link below. And do like Mother Teresa (she was a Nun! You’ll get to meet her soon!) said and “Give, but give until it hurts”.

Thanks guys. I’d say I’ll see you later, but we’ll probably be going to different places.