So this one I’m going to just clean up and re-post. It took me a long time to figure this out originally. This is another re-post from live journal where I used my interest “Warhammer” to see… well… You can just read and see what I saw, originally posted July 11th and 12th:

I did a test… I wanted concrete evidence. I punched up my user information. I scrolled down. And I clicked on Warhammer 40k. I wasn’t prepared for the shocking evidence I was about to uncover. In the next 2 hours I would sort through the 197 names which appeared to have one of the same interests as me. Warhammer. And I would search for the Mistress of Battle. The one who could not be denied. That’s right. I was going to see out of 197 people which shared this interest with me. How many of them were chicks.

The beginning of the search was easy enough. I breezed through before I got to my first hangup.

bino. I looked over the entry, not yet sure what I was looking for, and made a maybe list. Bino’s gender was undiscernable. I continued my quest. (Though later I decided with the sheer volume of food this person ate and their wailing silent cries for help, they were probably male.) I came across many names but none were the ones I saught.

userinforel: (at 3:45 PM) I feel really really weird. I’m all shaky and stuff and my head hurts a lot. This all started after i had a small bowl of ice cream. I’m really freaked by this. My vision is going blurry too. It’s almost like that pass out feeling but i’m wide awake.

That was his last journal entry… what happened to him? Did he die? The world may never know. Then I came to             userinfochibikitsune. Their icon was a furry fox vixen. I smiled. I had found them, albeit they were into japanamation furry things, but hey who better than to like 40k than a little japanese schoolgirl right? And I quote.

“Oh, and any furries out there who wanna meet me (For whatever reason), I’ll be at Anthrocon 2002, barring any unforseen problems, of course.”

Alright I can ignore the pseudo sexual weirdness of that. And hell I can even overlook the being a furry thing but I… wait… whats this?

“I have beem Declared the “Nicest guy on the ‘net” by Jon Morris. So ha.”

Boner softening. Fear rising. I dispaired slightly but continued my search, intent on finding the women of Warhammer.  (Also, who the fuck is Jon Morris?) The babelicious inhabitants of the dark future. Instead I got the confused and teenage angsty of America’s dark underbelly… Nerdville. Population: Way too high. The sheer strangness of these peoples words and type was enough to confuse me.

userinfoboomboomholly: “My car is fast again. This is good cause it didn’t move at all before and that was a problem. Anyway it turned out to be just the alternator so it wasn’t bad”


“1:55 am So I went to a party last night. I drank and then I got the shit kicked out of me. Right now I’m looking at my black eye and the bruises on my arms and back and thinking. What the hell.”

Id be thinking “What the hell” too if I could LOOK AT MY OWN EYES and/or BACK… yeash… there was userinfodemislyr, who had “lj_maintenance” as one of their friends. Correction one of their 2 friends. Or good ole userinfoTill Lindermann who says it best when he says:

“GRRRRRR my mum went out and bought the new Michael Jackson album for herself for christmas today which really p*ssed me off too cos i’d already gone out and bought it for her. I really hate having to take things back – i feel like a right twazik. More so than usual.”

Yeah man, I hate that too, and maybe one day Ill learn what a twazik is. Like a ravenous man clinging desperately to a ships wreckage I continued my search and eventually hit paydirt. userinfodarkeldargirl. Oh yes… I had found her now. I checked her profile…

“There is no peace among the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the laughter of thirsting gods. IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE . . .. . . . THERE IS ONLY WAR!”

OH GOD baby I love it when you talk dirty to me. Say “Blood for the Blood God” for pappa now… then I looked into her journal. There were 2 entries. 1 said she was happy for finally having a livejournal. The other said:

Post: Mother’s Day: Sad to say, being with my mother made me want to do drugs.

Well that did nothing to halt my stubby I was getting. So I went back to searching but I put one big fat tally on the chalk board next to me. I set back into my search. Before long I had come readily to my next female 40k’er userinfoMiss Manners. I browsed her journal idly then just for thoroughness’ sake I checked her user info.

Miss Manners: Bio: I’m your average geek as he heads into middle age. After a mixed 20s and early 30s I’m trying to reboot my life at 35.

I felt so dirty. Damn you Miss Manners.  I continued through the hordes of Azriel’s, Numreth’s, and Darkon the Blood God’s. I think userinfoVault Dweller said it best.

“vaultdweller – (insert cheesy goth-sounding name HERE)”

Then I found userinfoesche: (Picture Link Lost in the Sands of Time, but I’m sure it was awesome) Mmm hmmm

And userinfokasagi: (Picture Link Lost in the Sands of Time, but I’m sure it was also awesome) Earth to Nerdmonster

I found userinfomarquise_jynx Another girl (legitimate this time, which means another tally mark.) However her bio reads:

“C’est mon journal, mes rêves, mes pensées. Je suis des artistes, un auteur, un peintre et un rêveur. Je suis déchiré par mes rêves et désirs.”

Which is french for:

“Stupid American, you think you know how to make love? HAH. You screw like Tyranids. Messy and uncontrolled. French men have big balls. Lick my journal.”

Or something like that… I was never good at french… I was pretty sure that userinfoFucking an animal wasn’t a chick and I checked to see

“got high for first time in life. fun but wont do it again. still no girlfriend fuck that. life not bad but not great”

Probably all the Warhammer you’ve been playing bud… I found the typical quiet skinny reclusive girl I expected to find in userinfoshenalia. Tallied her, and kept looking. I was up to 3 women now. None of them having particularly done anything special for me.

All I have to say is.


Jessica. (userinfodoglaw)

(Picture lost to time, I’m sure she was hot)
Here she is with some rockstar. She likes long walks on the beach, cuddling, fireplaces and fine wine.

Er wait… no she likes Beer, boys, bitches, bisexuality, computers, dope, drinking, erotica, fucking, jaegermeister, local bands, masterbation, money, music, metal, men, orgy, rock, prodigy, vodka, sex, tatoos and yes…. ladies and gentlemen we have a winner…. WARHAMMER 40K… WARHAMMER, and WARHAMMER GAMING.

Thank you… Id like 2 to go please.

And so my search was triumphant. I had found 4 women out of 197 people that were into 40k. That means roughly that 1 in 50 40k players are women. As a side note roughly 1 in 300 people have AIDS. You make the call.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I have some stalking to do. Until next we meet!”

As a side note, I had the following followup the next day titled “Pthbht is the sound of me needing new pants”

“So I realized that at the culmination of my live journal there were a couple key details about Jessica that I left out in my haste to go change my pants. A) Her livejournal name for the voyeuristic of you: its Doglaw. Secondly, this is from the Bio on her web page:

There’s naked pictures of you on the internet? Yeah, and if you found ’em then good for you, but chill out and act like you’ve seen a naked person before. I think I have a beautiful body and if I want to make a little cash by showing it off, then that’s my prerogative. and not your problem. I’ve never done anything like fucked someone or any porn stuff or whatever. And also, don’t think you found something no one knows about. And if you wanna judge me for it, great, that’s your issue. Don’t you got better things to do than harass and talk about people you don’t even know?

Well since I am a kind and benevolent god. I did the work for you. Here’s Jessica naked: BOOBIES. (The link so doesn’t work) Its not like she made it incredibly hard to find. She had a link to it on her main website. Ah well… play on my children. Your god loves you (By play I do indeed mean masturbate). So for all of you who spent your high school lives being jocks, assholes, and all around jackholes I have this to say to you. Get on your knees and suck on my long irreverently holy godcock you wanna be Dungeon Masters. I bet you wouldn’t know a +2 sword of Vorpaling if it bit you in the ass. Now if you’ll excuse me. I have to go check on Jessica’s Armor Save. Even though shes 2+ I think my LasCannon can punch through her and give her a deep wound to remember me by… what do you think? Yeah your right. I better stick with my power sword.”

I wish I had more occasions to use the phrase “I better stick with my power sword”