In an effort to port over some of my older posts from LiveJournal, I thought I’d copy over the ones I still thought were meaningful or interesting. This particular post comes from April 18th, 2002. I have changed a decent amount in 8 years, but it’s interesting how many of these points are still fitting for me today. I apologize in advance that this isn’t rife with my normal humor, and I apparently do math at the end. Whew.

“Well well well I’m in someone else’s office at work and just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring so I thought Id make some updates… Life has been a wee bit busy lately… Ive been running around like a madman trying to get stuff just taken care of enough to keep my head afloat. I guess that’s what comes with being “independent”.

As far as “My Future” goes… I’m not really sure… I like to think in my heart something is going to come of the sketch show we’ve all wasted so much of our lives on. I mean dream come true for me would be we all get picked up for a Kids in the Hall-eque show thingy for TV… in Reality… I think one or two of us will get agents… but I dont know… performing at ultimate is a lot different than any other group Ive been with. At times it seems like there is so much friction and discontent I’m surprised everything doesn’t shatter around us. And at other times… I feel like we truly are the Dream Team.

The band is pretty much gone… Jason has said he cant commit until AFTER summer… so the drummer is out. Chris and I have always had… “Artistic Differences”… and frankly I’m sick and tired of putting an effort into organizing something that inevitably falls apart. I think that’s one of the reasons that I’m so lazy in life. Because so much has fallen apart around me no matter how hard I try that eventually you have to go “You know what? Fuck it.”.

As for other things I was organizing… Id love to get GQGamer up and running… I need to solidify something with Manu… or anyone else who wants to help me create a webpage… I’m fairly sure that the concept is a good one but it is just going to take a little help from some other people to pull it down. Will has been nothing but helpful and he is basically all Ive had. I still think its an idea that could be incredibly successful… if nothing else Id like to get at least 1 page up there.

Sportswise I’m tired of being a fatass… Ive started playing basketball a bunch, and in theory I was going to start watching what I eat and blah blah blah. The problem is I do really well then inevitably hit a 5 month slump of eating nothing but fast food and fried fat. I guess I should do what I did before and ease my way out of it… go from eating a big fat burger to a nice chicken sandwich to no fast food at all… its kind of sad to think about how little I actually cook in my own home. And as far as exercise goes, I have been feeling just incredibly tired latley. I don’t get enough sleep AND am Iron Deficient AND on top of that Ive had either some kind of sinus problem, or Post Nasal Drip is acting up or something.

I’m going to make an appointment to go to the doctor this weekend. I was having trouble keeping food down for the past month… Which is of course very distressing for a big ole monster like me. And on top of that its just plain disgusting to wake up in the morning and cough about a pound of mucus out of your lungs.

And I don’t even smoke… go figure…

From which we segue to… My grandpa.

Ive never had someone Ive really known die before… only my great uncle on my dad’s side… and I didn’t even really know him too well. I remember the last time I saw him though… I went into his house and he was watching TV…and he had a tube running from under his little hospital gown thing to a little tub on the ground next to him. My great aunt was like “Oh look, Its Nathan”… he turned and looked at me… and we locked eyes for a good… minute and a half…then he just turned back to looking at the TV… he didn’t say a single thing to me. Plus another thing that aggravates me is that my grandpa doesn’t even smoke and he has lung cancer… yay for second hand smoke… My grandma smokes a pack a day for years and years and years and she ends up fine. Life isn’t fair.

A lot of times people want me to “Tell them about my life” but I don’t know what to say. I don’t like to bitch and whine… I instinctively internalize all of it… so I guess the livejournal is a good medium for me… it gives me a place to vent… the people who really care about this sort of thing can read it…and we can have a “thrilling” conversation about it latter…and those who don’t want to read it don’t have to, and I wont be offended at all… I don’t know why I bring this paragraph up… moving on

There were some posts about “girlfriends cheating” on them… so I think Ill throw my hat into the ring. I haven’t cheated on a SO before… but Ive thought about it… honestly who hasn’t? But the fact is that when your in a relationship you create a covenant based on trust, truth, and compassion. At some point in the relationship all three of those things get tainted… you lie… you do something to break one another’s trust… and you say some pretty downright shitty things to one another… but individually they can all be healed… with enough work. The problem is cheating on someone violates all of those… it is inherently uncompassionate, dishonest, and untruthful. I let someone slide ONCE because they came forward and told me about it… even then I didn’t want to… people say “we make mistakes” but I don’t buy it… I don’t think cheating on someone is a mistake… breaking up with someone could be… but its pretty hard to ACCIDENTALLY cheat…at least last time I checked. If it truly was an HONEST mistake as well, the person would let you know as soon as it happened… because they would feel SO horrible about what happened they’d need to let you know… and they would present it in a way like “I fucked up…lets figure out why” as opposed to trying to throw blame and all that nonsense.

Which brings me to my next point… existentialism… or however you spell it. I was talking to Cody about this last night. And it got me thinking about life. If we assume that there is no such thing as a self-less act… and that EVERYTHING you do brings some degree of self-gratification… and in Existentialism we try to find external meaning to our life… wouldn’t the meaning in our life be self-gratification… Which makes me think consumerism isn’t such a bad thing… I don’t know it seems like although we are being distracted from the original primordial thirsts to hunt, eat meat, and screw… we are being distracted in a way that is self gratifying. YES we continue the cycle of capitalism and consumerism… but to be honest I don’t know that that’s such a bad thing. I agree that for some it is. For those who break through to the parallel world and see the cycle for what it is and just cant stand to live within it… then its a problem. If you realize that your slaving away at work to produce things that you then go out and buy… you may become discontent… but I instead try to thrive inside the cycle. Yes I work…but I work in a way which is self gratifying to me…and then when I no longer am being gratified I quit… or drive to Chicago.

And speaking of consumerism I was noting today how disgusting the human race as a whole is. I mean when you look at it… we are like some sort of consuming virus or monster. I picture us like a big mouth just moving down the street eating everything in its path and spewing out waste behind. I mean there is precious little in this life that you can do without consuming something… obviously human life is based on consumption… the consumption of food and water into energy…and the exertion of that energy, but we have moved past that to be a whole different beast entirely… I wake up… and turn off my energy consuming alarm clock… then I go waste water and tooth paste to clean my teeth… then I get in the shower…more water…soap…shampoo… then I go consume my food…and throw away the wrappers it all came in… maybe I consume some more electricity with lights and with the TV I watch TV or some radio. Then I get in my car and consume some gas on my way to work… Once here I fuel other peoples consumption of things… and then get paid money so I can continue consuming… I take a cigarette break and consume some… then go back to work…drink some water, and eat lunch maybe… then its back in my gas powered car home…do some dishes and laundry…waste more soap and water…eat food…consume consume consume consume…

Everything is consumption… and frankly its a bit disgusting… but since we NEED it to survive…there’s nothing we can really do… I guess recycling is a viable alternative but it doesn’t take that taint off of humankind. Maybe it is less the consumption that bothers me so much as the trash… primal man…and beast…don’t sicken me…because they just consume…they don’t waste… they down an animal…eat it… and birds pick the bones…and eventually the bones become broken up and washed away and fertilize more growth.

I have always been for the de-evolution of man into its primitive state… its weird… I think that’s why the “Fallout” idea is so appealing to me. It forces people to use their wits and muscles in conjuncture to survive. People take what they need… they hunt, and they kill as necessary… there would be a lot less waste because we wouldn’t be able to afford to waste anything, but short of a literal global thermonuclear war…I don’t see how this concept is possible… it is an inevitable truth that sooner or later some large world power would come and try to force its hand to either conquer you or assimilate you. I was thinking about trying to start a war on electricity… it seems to me like that is the true thing keeping mankind “civilized”. I think there would be wide scale rioting through the streets if we lost electricity in Los Angeles for 24 hours…think about what would happen? People couldn’t use their phones…traffic lights would be out…the radios would be dead…all that would work would be shortwave and cell phones…which the contingency of people simply don’t have… it would create the largest anarchy the world has ever seen… and if there were a way to just blip out power across the globe… ah me…

I smell megalomania coming on 🙂 ”

Posted a few hours later. I don’t know how “correct” the math on this part is. I blame Nate…

“So I was thinking a bit on Logic today and I’m going to take a shot at solving the universal equation…

we begin.

We know that life is made up of actions… I don’t think there is a way to summarize ones life other than the summation of all their actions. When we tell a story we talk about the action in it. I walked here… I looked at this… blah blah blah. So life is made up of actions.

Actions have 2 parts… the action…and its result… cause and effect right? And the action itself will need to be defined a bit more… so for now we will let f(A) be action… and B be the result…

Now we also have proven humans are selfish creatures… and so the result of our actions must be a self-gratifying one…

So something to keep in mind… the result of the function A (Action) is a self gratifying result B…

so far so good… now we need to break up an action a bit more…
Some definitions from Websters:

Act: The process of doing or performing something
Do: To perform or execute; To produce; To render
Perform: To begin and carry through to completion
Render: To give or make available; provide

So now… or function Action is made up of say 2 parts to begin with…

The first being the beginning of an action…the second being the completion of this action, actually lets make it 3 parts… the third being secondary actions. So the formula would be

heh…well its kinda complex and I just spent about 2ish hours talking to people to figure this out…and it is something ROUGHLY equal to…

f(A) = (infinity)(Sigma)(i) fi(A)

This is assuming we can break down all actions into 2 parts…which I think we can. The beginning… and the end… which infinitely breaks it into another action and result… you begin to take an action…and it is followed through with a result… so lets use that as our equation…

The “value” of an action… is equal to the sum of the effort required to do action… and the subsequent value gained as a result… in addition to the sum of all other actions performed meanwhile.

This gives us the value of an action is made up of the infinite sum of all its parts. Those parts being the Personal Cost, and the Personal Benefit… this total sum MUST be greater than 0… as we have already seen by design that the benefit of all actions MUST outweigh the combined negative of them.

So far so good… so what else? or what does this “prove”

well not much… though we can look at it and realize that by minimizing the discomfort of ONE action… you increase the general output of the function… so if you had to run with heavy weights in your hands… obviously by dropping the weights from your hands… you’d be able to run a whole lot faster.

Anyways what we get is this… Life is equal to the sum of your actions… and the sum of each individual action MUST be greater than 0… meaning it must yield a non-negative number… which makes sense if you think about it… which also explains why when you feel bad…if you do something you feel better… you work on reducing that negative number that’s working against you :)…

I have no clue what the point of all that was…but as I think of it Ill let you know… ”

As a post script narrative 8 years later…. WTF?