I haven’t done TOO many reviews, but there’s a flash game you should really spend 20 minutes and check out (ok maybe 10).  The conditions before you screw with this one are pretty simple.  Be sure you have sound on your computer, and give it your full attention when you play it.

Let me know

http://www.trevorvanmeter.com/flyguy/

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Posted by admin - 24/03/10 - 0 comments

 

It starts with a “Ska” and ends with a “Tch” and everyone wants to drink it, because anyone who’se a man drinks Scotch. There is of course the issue that many people abhor the taste of scotch, but if I can quote myself from a drunken misadventure many years ago “Drunk people can’t say no to whiskey” (Which incidentally is gospel truth and should not be doubted)

Even if you’re not a huge Scotch drinker, this gift still has it’s allure in being techy, cool and something involving booze (the guy trifecta). They are, without further ado:

Whiskey Stones
Whiskey Stones!

The idea is actually pretty simple… you take the things, stick them in your freezer then when they’re ready you drop them in your drink and they chill it without watering it down.

This is essentially the same thing as those creepy purple and orange globes they spat out in the 90s that were supposed to do the same thing but didn’t get cold and didn’t look nearly as cool. Plus more than any other drink out there, people who have a giant boner for their scotch pride themselves on how little water they can use in their scotch. Which makes ice the perfect cheating tool, so you can bust their balls (or help them out if they’re legit) by using these thingies.

This alone is an awesome gift, but in case you’re also debating buying some scotch for someone, I’ve got the following quick click gift guide to Scotch, organized by price.

Also blended Scotches tend to be looked down on by more mid-range Scotch drinkers because they’re less pure. In their quest for the perfect Aryan scotch they’ve gotten slightly jaded, but don’t worry, there’s no ethnic cleansing slated for this holiday season. Ultimately if you’re buying Scotches for people who know their Scotches they’re going to find something snarky to say about your selection, but if you want to fake it here’s my recommendations:

Booze it up my friends:

20ish bucks a bottle:
Johnny Walker Red, J & B, Glenlivet (my personal favorite out of the bunch, as it was my training wheel Scotch)

30 bucks a bottle
Lismore – When I had a wicked case of swine flu, an amazing friend gave me this to cure it, and it worked. And it got me drunk. What’s not to like? Also:
Glenmorangie 10 Year – I’ve spent many a night loaded on this stuff, another of my friend’s favorites

40 bucks a bottle
Glenlivet 14 – I’ve heard mixed reviews from mi amigos

Balvenie Double Barrel – Another I havent had, but my hombres say it’s amazing (I like using Spanglish when talking about Scotch)

50 bucks a bottle:
Unfortunately the only time I was drinking 50 dollar scotch I got blackout drunk so I can’t really remember what I was drinking. Good luck!

At this point we’re thoroughly out of the range of Scotch’s I’d ever buy on a regular basis, so that means if I’ve had these later ones I was drinking heavily at the time so certainly have no frame of reference for what these actually taste like. As such, take my word for it that if you buy a dude one of the following Scotch’s he’s obligated to bone you when and where you want, and if he doesn’t, we’ll find him and take his Man Card.

150 Bucks a bottle:
Macallan 18 – My scotch swilling buddies swear by this

160 bucks a bottle:
Johnny Walker Blue – This isn’t one of those things that’s expensive cause it’s rare.

So there you have it, from cheapish to expensivish, Scotch on the Rocks (literally) for December 2nd. Get shopping folks!

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Posted by admin - 03/12/09 - 0 comments

 

So I figure with the holiday of your choice coming up soon, I’d type up a possible “dude” gift each day, to help those of you with a Significant Other, Child, Parent or Hot Neighbor Kid, with a few inches of meat dangling between their legs, who you’re trying to butter up and get to love you by throwing money at them in the form of gifts.

As I am pretty much the world’s worst gift purchaser for women, I figured I’d spend a little time helping the fairer sex pick out some gifts for the big hairy smellball in your life.  And so without further ado, here’s gift #1, and let me tell you.  It’s Badass.

No really… it’s a book called Badass by Ben Thompson and you can just take my fucking word for it and buy it with this link:

Oh, you’re not convinced?  You require convincing because you are a stupid person who doesn’t do as they’re told?  Fine… first of all this book has a chick, and a dude with an axe on the cover.   That alone should make you want to buy it, but if not I bought 2 copies of it when I saw it because I knew it was so awesome I’d have to give away two of them.

Secondly, this book is basically a gathering of a bunch of awesome things from the “Badass of the Week” website.  If you’re not familiar feel free to go enlighten yourself presently at Badass of the Week or just read the following mercilessly stolen from there.  You’ve maybe seen 300?  Then you’re probably familiar with the following story:

“Once upon a time there was this place called Sparta, where everyone who lived there was a total badass.  They were so badass that whenever one of their citizens said some stupid bullshit like, “Hey man Democracy kicks ass… I like reading books, petting small puppies and not violently killing people with pointy sticks that are on fire”, they just shipped his pansy ass off to Athens or Thessaly or Bill’s Gay Land to philosophize about the nature of the soul, pick fresh daisies and have sex with men.  Sparta was one of the hardest cities ever built;  It’s men were all trained from birth to be highly-disciplined explosive killing machines of death who didn’t fuck around and it’s women were taught to raise strong children and encourage their husbands to die honorably in battle.  In fact, all citizens were required to be able to break at least three wooden boards with their foreheads, another four with a well-placed judo chop and punch bullets out of mid-air with their bare hands.  Anyone who failed this test was sent into exile.

Well one day some fucking jackass named Emperor Xerxes I of Persia got all pissed off at how awesome Sparta was so he sent a bunch of soldiers to invade it and burn all of Greece to the ground so that he could make Persia the most badass civilization in the known world.  Well obviously this didn’t sit well with the Greeks.  They hate it when fuckers burn down their cities.

Anyways, Xerxes’ army of about 200,000 dudes created an impractically large pontoon bridge across the Hellespont and arrived in Greece in 480 BC with the intention of kicking everyones ass and possibly even taking names while doing so.  However, in order to get through the countryside and sack Athens, they needed to pass through a hugeass mountain pass known as Thermopylae.  The Spartans knew this, and they had every intention of using this to their advantage.

The Spartan King Leonidas I hand-selected a force of 300 of the most hardcore balls-out warriors in Sparta to defend the pass at Thermopylae.  Knowing that it was pretty much a suicide mission, all the men he chose to accompany him had sons that were old enough to take over as head of their families.  When Leonidas’ wife was like, “what shall I do while you’re gone?”, Leonidas was just tipped his helmet and said, “Marry a good man, and have good children”, before puffing on his cigar and riding out into the sunset Clint Eastwood-style.

The Spartans arrived at the pass along with a force of about 4,000 other Greek troops.  The Spartans were like “get out of here, losers” and sent the other troops home to organize the defense of Athens while the Spartans stretched out, did some jumping jacks and then oiled themselves up like professional wrestlers.  The other Greeks got the fuck out of there, except for a contingent of about 600 Thespian citizen-soldiers who may not have been hard as hell, but were totally brave as shit.

Xerxes showed up and was like, “what the fuck is this shit?”.  He opened a parlay with the Spartan King.

Xerxes: What the fuck is this shit?

Leonidas: Eat me.

Xerxes: There are 200,000 dudes here and you’ve only got 300 pussies guarding this pass.  You’re so fucked.  Just lay down your weapons.

Leonidas: Why don’t you come and get them, bitch?  We’ll see who’s a pussy when I shove all 200,000 of those knuckleheads up your ass.

Xerxes: Fuck you.

Leonidas: Good one, fag.  I’ve heard better insults from retards.

Xerxes: That’s it.

Xerxes got totally pissed and assaulted the Greek defenses but the Persian light infantry was ill-equipped and way too lame to dislodge the battle-hardened Spartan warriors.  They were torn to shreds by huge spears of the Greek phalanx and then put into a huge water balloon launcher and catapulted into the Aegean Sea.  Xerxes finally ordered the light infantry to pull back and moved his archers to the front to fire a couple of volleys at the Greeks.  One Spartan remarked that it was all good because there were so many arrows it was like they got to fight in the shade for a while.  Seeing this was unsuccessful as well Xerxes brought in his bodyguard contingent of 10,000 Immortals, an elite unit in his army that was world-renowned for its ass kicking skills.  The Spartans and Immortals clashed in fierce combat, and Xerxes could not believe it when he saw his most disciplined and experienced troops getting seriously fucked up by Leonidas’ men.

At the end of the second day of battle, the Greeks still held the pass and the Persians had lost a shitload of soldiers.  Unfortunately for King Leonidas, a Greek traitor defected to the Persians and told Emperor Xerxes about a secret way around the mountain pass.  During the night, Xerxes sent what remained of his Immortals around to the other side of the pass and when the Spartans got ready to fight in the morning they noticed that there were now Persians on both sides of them.

Xerxes: Alright, bro.  Nice try, but now you’re toast.

Leonidas: Come on down here then.  I’ve got a present for you.

Xerxes: Dude, you have no chance to survive.  Just give up.

Leonidas: I’ve got a better idea.  How about you shut the fuck up and bite my dick?  That sound like a good plan?

So the Persian forces assaulted the Greeks from both sides.  The Greeks held out for far longer than they should have, throwing themselves against the onslaught and battling with whatever they had — spears, swords, fists, teeth, sticks, knees to the crotch… you name it.  Eventually the last of the 300 Spartans fell to the Persian army as they tried to defend the body of their fallen King.  The Persians found the body of Leonidas I, beheaded it and crucified his body outside the pass.

It takes a special kind of person to volunteer for a suicide mission and battle to the end against impossible odds.  Leonidas found three hundred men willing to do just that.  They did not fail the honor of their city or their people, willingly and unflinchingly facing an entire army to defend their homeland.  The 300 Spartans (and 600 Thespians) held the mountain pass against impossible odds, being slain to the man but inflicting an estimated 30,000 casualties on the Persian army’s most capable units.  They dealt a serious blow to Xerxes’ forces and managed to hold back the Persian advance long enough for the Greeks in Athens to prepare for a major military engagement at Salamis, where they would crush the Persian navy and effectively end the invasion of Greece.”

Whether you know someone in your life who needs a serious kick to the stomach to make their balls drop, or if you just know someone who’se badass enough that their name deserves to grace the cover of Badass 2: “It’s the one that says badass motherfucker on it” then this is the book for you.

And even if you don’t buy this book for someone… at least go check out badass of the week and learn how you too can grow a pair.

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Posted by admin - 01/12/09 - 0 comments

 

So I watched the movie Surrogates and was totally underwhelmed.  Normally I’m pretty easy to please when it comes to movies, and it’s way easier to destroy than create so I thought I’d give up my long silence on here by talking for a minute about this craptastrophy.  I’ll try to avoid spoilers but if you’re really dead set on not having your ‘moviegoing experience ruined’… well don’t see the movie.

The premise is pretty simple.  People go onto the internet to control robot versions of themselves in the real world.  95% of people use these robots.  Bruce Willis is on the FBI, and investigates a crime involving someone dying while plugged into the internet.

Ostensibly this is all fine.  The most immediate problem however is a more glaring one.  The robots are all made by James Cromwell.  He’s the kindly old man who invents robot technology that ultimately goes awry.  You might remember him from 24 (as Jack Bauer’s dad), LA Confidential and Babe… you might also remember him from I, Robot, in which he plays the kindly old man who invents robot technology that ultimately goes awry.  Allow me to ask frankly… how the fuck do you get type cast into THAT specific of a roll?

James Cromwell Conquering the World

This robot is really good at making bacon.

He’s fairly believably in the roll, which makes sense since James Cromwell was also born roughly 80 years old, and hasn’t aged since.  (Much like a robot)

The basic idea of a science fiction story is pretty simple.  You come up with a neat concept “People log onto the internet and live out their fantasy lives as someone else”.  Then you think of the social implications and ramifications of that, and then build a story.  That’s the forumla.

Surrogates however looks like it was something drunkenly scrawled on a bar napkin that somehow made it into a movie.  One of the first assertions is “Due to surrogate technology, prejudice has gone away”.  Firstly, this doesn’t play a roll at all in the movie, and secondly if anything the internet is one of the strongest strongholds of racism in the universe.  I’ve heard more racial slurs hurled at me within 5 minutes of signing into Call of Duty that I have in my entire life walking around in meatspace.  Giving someone a robotic version of them to go out into the world and act irresponsibly is, in no conceivable way, actually going to make less crime or discrimination in the world.

The whole movie is like someone standing on a rock shouting angrily in the direction of Second Life because his wife won’t log out and give him the time of day cause she’s busy blowing a half-man half-unicorn online.  Which brings up another point.  In the movie everyone is pristine and perfect looking, with only one person in the movie being ‘weird’ and they were just blue.  If you could have a robot look like anything, where are my sexy devil or bunny eared chicks.  Have a little imagination with your robot porn!

((Man I don’t know why I never posted this, it’s been sitting in my Drafts folder for weeks… Enjoy!  And don’t go see Surrogates!))

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Posted by admin - 01/12/09 - 0 comments

 

People always ask me “What kind of music do you like to listen to?”.  And when I tell them “Everything” it’s totally true.  I love Southern Rock, Showtunes, Classical Music, Gangster Rap, the Blues, some Gospel, some Country, and a fair share of alt/indy rock and trip-hop.

But there’s really only one genre of music that makes me stop what I’m doing and really talks to me down in my soul.  Today that music is going to be voiced to you by Propaghandi.   Here’s a music link for you to listen to while you continue reading.

Rock For Sustainable Capitalism

One of the reasons I love punk music is if you don’t read too far into what people are really saying, the core heart and soul of the music is so desperate.  This song still has it’s moments more in the tone of the song itself, but from here to Fifteen, Rancid, and Against Me! There’s a certain type of punk rock music where people are screaming and pleading for everyone to wake up out of their shells.  It’s the Crimethinc document “Join the Resistance: Fall in Love” (which is elsewhere in this blog).  Even a song that’s just a comment on the music itself (like Rock for Sustainable Capitalism) is in this case so bitter, sardonic and despondent at times that it really resonates home (not that I’m bitter, sardonic or despondent).  Anyways random blogging about music.  I’ll write more about my life when I come up for air again.

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Posted by admin - 24/06/09 - 0 comments

 

So I’ve been doing a lot more cooking for myself, and observing Aurora cook (she’s an awesome cook) and I’ve come to the realization that “holy shit, people in Texas like spicy food”. More on that later. Tonight however I’m back at home with power, and everyone else is out elsewhere (with power) so I figured I’d rustle up some grubs. As such I give you

Hurricane Ike Bachelor Mash

1 Can Cannelloni Beans more or less drained
1/4 Onion – Cut up in some approximation of “diced”
1 cup Jasmine Rice – Or Whatever’s in your pantry
2 Eggs* (You can go without these just fine for Vegi Mash)
A pinch of Cocoa Powder
A dark dabbling of Powdered Sugar
Veggi Spice (some weird Hindu Mix)
Cinnamon aplenty
Another various allspice
Pepper
Olive oil

Cook the rice in your rice cooker. While that’s going, drop your onions in the pan with the olive oil and get them a-cookin. Then once they’re going nicely, drop in the can of beans, and get mildly worried as splashes of hot oil pop and sizzle out of the pan. Let the excess sauce cook off as you season madly away. Make sure you get the beans sweet, or the thing will taste kind of weird, and it holds a peppery aftertaste well, so go nuts with that, and LOTS of cinnamon. Let it cook forever, as the rice finishes. Then get out a big thing of tupperware for the extras. Put your gruel in the tupperware, and spoon out a nice helping of rice into a bowl, and drop the gruel on top. If you want the non-vegi version, flash fry an egg. If you leave it without extra salt/pepper itll be sortof a mild proteiny addative who’se taste will be masked, so feel free to Emeril it up a notch and have a delectable explosion of flavors in your mouth.

Now you’re eating like a bachelor.

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Posted by admin - 15/09/08 - 0 comments

 

The LJ Prompt for today was interesting. Hemmingway wrote a 6 word story “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Dayv’s was solid too “The unicorn wandered Los Angeles, riderless.” Mine is on topic for the story I’m about to tell, and seems more like an noir novel than anything else “A Mercy Killing never needed more.”

I am about to go see pinneapple express, and it doesn’t strike me as the kind of movie I can see totally sober, so I thought I’d drink a bit before I drove over. My drink of choice for the past few months has been an Irish Carbomb. You fill a pint glass with a bottle of guiness, which leaves some room at the top, then fill a shot glass half full of bailys and half full of jameson. For those who haven’t tried it… you’re really missing out. I’ll have some at my Hot Hot Desert Party this weekend. Only I’m currently out of Guiness. So instead I made a drink that I wanted to call something like “The Down on your luck Carbomb” or “Trailer Park Carbomb” but after drinking my Bud Light, Bailys and Jameson, I found the perfect name for it “The Mercy Killing”. No sooner did I finish drinking it then the horrible mix of WAY too cold bud light, and the other ingedients began to expand and I had these horrible visions of a seagull fed Alka seltzer so I began punching myself in the stomach in hopes of ventilating some of the vapors. I eventually had to clutch my stomach, stumble into the living room and fall into a chair and pant for like 2 minutes. Never was a drink more appropriately named.

I’m going to have one more then go see the movie.

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Posted by admin - 14/08/08 - 0 comments

 

So I got done reading the Club Dumas recently. I really liked it, it’s the book that The Ninth Gate was based on. I can’t decide if people should read the book or see the movie first. I think maybe the book. They’re different enough that it’s not the same story, though in some parts it certainly feels like it. There are also some really cool literary devices used throughout. I shall put a clip, that I think Davy will particularly enjoy (Primarily because of the Napoleon References, not the uh, subtext). I love this brief section for several reasons. I’ll let you enjoy it for your own.

“At that moment, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to do it. He sensed it with the lugubrious intuition that precedes certain events and marks them, even before they have taken place, with inevitable disaster. To be prosaic, Corso realized, as he threw the rest of his clothes on top of his coat at the foot of the bed, that his initial erection was now in visible retreat. Cut down in its prime. Or, as his Bonapartist great-great-grandfather would have said, “La Garde recule.” Totally. Anxiously he hoped that, as he was standing against the light, his unfortunately flacid state wouldn’t be noticed. Very carefully he lay facedown next to her tanned, warm body waiting in the dark and used what the emperor, out on the muddy fields of Flanders, would have called an indirect-approach tactic — sizing up the terrain from the middle distance and making no contact in the critical zone. From a prudent distance he played for a time in case Grouchy arrived with reinforcements; he caressed the girl and kissed her unhurriedly on the mouth and neck. But no luck. Grouchy was nowhere to be seen. The old fool was chasing Prussians miles from the battlefield. Corso’s anxiety turned into panic as the girl moved nearer to him and slipped her firm, warm thigh between his thighs. She must have become aware of the extent of the disaster. He saw her smile, a slightly disconcerted smile, but encouraging, as if to say something like “I know you can do it!” Then she kissed him with extreme tenderness and put out her hand, to help things along. And just when he felt her hand at the very epicenter of the drama, Corso went down completely. Like the Titanic. Straight to the bottom, no half measures. The orchestra playing on deck, women and children first. The next twenty minutes were agony, atonement for all his sins. Heroic attacks meeting the immovable barrier of the Scottish fusiliers. The infantry on the attack glimpsing only the slightest chance of victory. Improvised incursions by the light infantry, in the vain hope of taking the enemy by surprise. Skirmishes of hussars and heavy charges by cuirassiers. But all attempts met with the same results– Wellington was messing around in a remote Belgian village while his pipers were playing the march of the Scots Greys in Corso’s face. The Old Guard, or what remained of it, was glancing desperately in all directions, teeth clenched and face against the sheets, twenty minutes by watch, which, for his sins, he hadn’t removed. Drops of sweat the size of fists ran from the roots of his hair down his neck. He looked with wide staring eyes over the girl’s shoulder, desperately wishing for a gun to shoot himself.”

In his defense. He was pretty drunk, and his follow up line of “This only happens the first 30 or so times” is pretty solid.

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Posted by admin - 26/07/08 - 0 comments

 

After dropping Amanda off at the airport today I decided to drop by Kevin’s work and catch up with him and I’m glad I did. We hung out briefly at his work before heading over to his parents house where we had magic little gems rained down upon us. Several of them don’t really bear repeating but it’s fun to be improvising and on the ball while someone is sortof, vacantly not getting it. Then we talked to Kevin’s uncle who apparently won an academy award (but only got a plaque), kicked ass at Nascar and had the inside scoop on what’s been wrong with Britney Spears for so long. Then we had hot dogs, burgers and Dr. Pepper. Good times were had, bellies were filled and then we headed out to LA where I watched some really crazy documentaries. Hell House, and Animal Passion. The former was about some crazy Presbyterian Church’s Haunted House they do every year and was crazy disturbing. Animal Passion is about Zoophiles and while the general topic is ‘taboo’, something about how it’s handled is disturbing in an amazingly hilarious way. One of the more disturbing lines involved the pleasure one of the guys was giving to his horse by letting it enter him, and how it would bite his back so hard he’d begin to bleed, and when he returned to his house his wife would laugh and say “Oh have you been out in the barn again?”. I don’t know, you have to watch it apparently. We also watched Doug Stanhope, who’se great and Comedians of Comedy and ordered a pizza that took hours to arrive.

Then I got to head out to Los Angeles to see Kevin rock some Roberto Alomar. It was really funny and awesome to see all the people from Ultimate Improv and meet some new people. They kicked ass, but the people that went before them just didnt get it, and all the laughs they got were these horribly uncomfortable laughs, and it was baaad news. I also now have a story that’s amazing to add to my repertoire. This sounds like I’m totally making up a joke, but I’m not. Between the two shows, I stopped into the bar at IO West and decided to get myself a delicious beer. So I ordered a Stella, took out my wallet and waited as the bartender got it. As she returned she said ‘The person at the end of the bar bought this for you’ and waves off my wallet. I confusedly glanced down the bar, and there was a midget, wearing a leather vest and festivly bohemian clothing, who gave me a jaunty, gay wave, and raised his glass.

I was confused on several counts. I raised my drink back, and took a sip, but was instantly confused. I’m not the kind of guy who’se had alot of other guys buy him drinks, so I wasn’t really sure what the drink-buyee etiquette was, and I don’t usually have random drinks sent to random women at the bars. So I sortof stood there awkwardly had a few more sips of beer. And then hastily beat a retreat from the bar. I like to think he bought me the drink because he found how amazing our height differences were, worthy of a delicious drink. And hell even if he buyed me a drink cause he thought I was a sexy looking guy, I guess being tall has its perks.

After rocking the green room some, we headed over to Kevin’s place and watched the most amazing movie I’ve seen in a while. The movie is called “The Legend of the Roller Blade 7″. One of the previews was for a movie called ‘Billy Badd’ which somehow had something to do with a mad-mask esque biker who at one point in the preview kicks a V.W. bug and it flips over. Then there seems to be a lot of tits and violence, and the preview itself took like 10 minutes before ending.

Then was Frogtown 2. Which had to do with the Champion of the Rocket Rangers, and one of his companions being turned into a frog while fighting the evil frog king.

And now, we make it to LofRB7. I don’t even know where to start with this movie, which stars Emelio Estebez and Frank Stallone. There’s ‘combat’ in it, but it’s like, my parents doing the Star Wars kid with plastic swords they bought at costco. There’s a part where the woman catches a plastic knife in her mouth, the cheap kind with the flimsy silver plastic blade, and then slits the throat of her captor. Only imagine a woman with one of said cheap plastic knives with it akwardly in her teeth, slowly trying to drag it over a guys neck, which clearly doesn’t cut him or even have any sort of red line it leaves behind. It’s like… people in rollerblading gear and skates, with a somewhat poorly improvised dialog, and otherwise some creepy Live Action Roleplaying. It’s horrendous in that ‘what the fuck am I watching’ kind of way.

All in all a good day, and it cost me $5 (I totally owe you drinks next time we go out Kevin). That is all for now, I’ll be back in PD tomorrow.

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Posted by admin - 03/06/08 - 0 comments

 

I really like Against Me! They’re a punk band that Cody and Joe turned me on to. They are the kind of punk I tend to like, and they’re pretty solid. Some of their newer stuff is a bit more mainstream and not really quite there, and I have no clue what album the song I’m linking you is from. This song is not only not punk, it’s not possible for me to get it out of my head. I had Joe listen to it and he said “That song is fucking harsh man”

I agree with those sentiments entirely. I’ll link here, but I just ask when you listen, close your eyes and concentrate on the song. It’ll only take 2 and a half minutes, and I think it’ll be worth it.

Searching for a Former Clarity by Against Me!

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Posted by admin - 01/04/08 - 0 comments

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